i fell in love with a death wish.

The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.

— Lemony Snicket

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she stands in the middle of the crossing, 

holding an enormous map in front of her. 

the street is filled with animated laughs and lively spirits. 

yet there she is — 

clad in grey and camouflaged with the ground. 

the brightness illuminating from the passers-by is blinding. 

perhaps that provides some light for her as she scrutinises the map for directions.

"where do I go from here?" she says with a sigh.

as the traffic light is about to change,

her heart begins to race,

her knees starts to tremble,

her mental state is quavering.

it is in that moment

where she realised how beaten she is.

she feels so defeated.

"should i move forward or backward?" she utters softly.

no one can hear her.

her squishy voice makes her feel small.

she is as small as a mouse in this crowd.

no one pauses to help her.

she is invisible to everyone.

everyone just keeps moving forward.

"help me, i'm lost", she mouths her fears.

nothing changes.

she still remains rooted to the ground,

as though she is frozen.

she is flabbergasted,

wondering what has happened to her.

an immense feeling of devastation ravages her

as she ponders about where is right now.

"i'm not happy about this at all", she spouts.

no one will truly be happy.

there will not be a will to live,

to have milestones to look forward to,

to having a purpose-driven life,

to have a life worth living —

if everyone was just happy

and everyone was just stagnating at that emotion.

"where can i go to find my purpose?" she shouts.

no one stops.

the feeling of having no direction,

the feeling of being stuck,

the feeling of aloneness,

it all falls into place at that very instance

when the light has changed and the crowd has cleared the street.

in her hands, she holds a large canvas that is blank.

"goodbye, life!" she cries out as closes her eyes.

————————

 

M.

i ask me, "why must i do this?"

i fell in love with a death wish

and there's no escape.

8/6/2023 9.25pm