sooner or later im gonna get anxious again.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

— Dr. Seuss.

 

 

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Moving away from the giant stride towards the tallest slide in the playground—the avalanche slide, the other children would call it—was the first task. It was a self-assignment filled with determination. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, the young boy scratched the side of his head.

 "The only way is up, isn't it?" He thought to himself. 

Contemplating about how the journey to the top of the slide would be like, he evaluated the length of his legs. Perhaps he wasn't tall enough, but he wondered if that was going to stop him from making the climb. Shaking off the feeling of incompetence, his intention to change his attitude towards the altitude remained strong.

Countless of times had he envisioned the success of scaling the mountainous structure he was staring at. It had always been all thought and no action. 

"Stop staring." A girl at the top of the slide yelled at him. He froze. He was merely lost in his own thoughts. The shock and anxiety she triggered was hardly something he welcomed. He looked away, embarrassed by the fact that someone had even caught him in that moment of being lost in his own mind.

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that she broke him out of it. It suddenly felt like a life-changing statement or maybe even a wake up call. 

The next task was to brave the elements of difficulty he perceived. It had run through his head so many times. Where was the confidence to do it?

With some courage, he took the first step up the stairs leading to the top of the slide. He was smaller than most of the children in the playground and he hated how he suddenly became the center of attention.

"They must be ready to watch me fall." He believed.

The first step was the hardest, but he managed to persist on to the second step. He felt like he was far enough from the ground. Perhaps it was time to climb back down instead.

Another boy in the playground begin to climb up the steps too. He was taller and looked stronger. Would that boy be overtaking him—making a mockery of his abilities and willpower to finish what he came to do?

On to the third step, he placed his hands on the step above to pull himself up. The taller boy was about to overtake him while he was still trying to crawl up to the next step. 

"Breathe, boy, breathe." He reminded himself. It was okay if the other boy passed him. It would make no difference to his journey.

"Watch me, it's easy!" The taller boy said excitedly. He pondered the sincerity of it. Could that be an encouragement or some form of guidance?

Taking a breather on the current step, he observed how the other boy was moving forward faster with little to no difficulty. Perhaps there was something to learn from this.

It did not bug him that the taller boy had gotten ahead of him. He would not have known this if he had not paused for the moment. 

Onward to the fourth step, it felt easier than the previous steps. He looked down at the ground where he was standing earlier and ruminating the possibility of achieving his goal.  Brooding over how tired he already was from climbing a few steps, he let out a sigh.

"Look, mama! Look!" The girl at the top of the slide shouted across the playground, trying to get the attention of her parent. His train of thoughts was interrupted once again as his eye drifted to her.

All attention was on her now instead of him. He was rooting for her in secret, but he did not say anything. He waited, in hope of learning from her courage. Perhaps he had a lot to learn, but did he like that?

"Whee!" She screamed ecstatically as she went down the slide. He could not help but wonder if she had any hesitation at all. Was the joy she expressed genuine?

Skeptical about what he had just witnessed, he made his way to the next step. Five steps up — that must count for something, right?

By then, the taller boy had already reached the top of the slide. However, he did not budge. In fact, the taller boy was focused on him. So much for the journey, not the destination — it felt like so much pressure to keep going.

"You can do it!" The taller boy beamed. It felt comforting, but it did not make the journey any easier.

Stumbling up to the sixth step, he realised that was almost at the top. He was just one step away. He was unsure if he would make it, but trying to climb down would be such a challenge. Was he going to give up near the end?

Deliberating on a possible surrender to fate that he was never going to make it, he sat down on the step and looked at the ground that he came from. He had already made it this far, should he be celebrating this small win?

"Come on, you're almost there. You got this!" More positive words from the taller boy.

He could not help but wonder why the taller boy did not just go down the slide first. Perhaps silence was what he needed as he ran through his mind of a million thoughts.

"Don't give up?" He reflected on his own willpower. He knew what his end goal was, but he was taking too long thinking about it. Could he really follow through with what he had planned.

Many unintended events had occurred since he arrived at the bottom of the structure. What he became aware of was how tolerant he had been towards himself as he attempted to adapt to the unforeseen changes in his agenda. 

If the girl at the top of the slide did not exist nor call him out, he might not have snapped out of his thoughts. If the taller boy had not surpassed him and shown him how achievable it was to reach the top of the stairs from the rough sand at the bottom, he might not have had the tenacity to keep going. 

If he had not had it in himself—the self-discipline to keep moving forward, the fear of being identified as a coward if he had retreated back to where he originally came from, the fortitude to envision the ending of this exhausting expedition, and the ambition to even take the first step to reach the top—he might not have been able to ascend to the top of the slide.

There he was — before he knew it, he was standing at the top of the slide. In his head, he crowned himself the king of the playground. Then, he giggled to himself. What audacity to have such thoughts.

"You made it! Now what's next?" The taller boy standing next to him was towering over him. He felt small all over again. What a great question! What's next?

Was he ready to go? Uncertainty swarmed him as he struggled to give the taller boy a weak smile. A zillion thoughts now flooded his mind once again. At what point was he going to be ready?

"Ready to go? You can go first!" The taller boy beckoned him towards the slide. It was a small space at the top of the slide, but it felt like a safe space for a moment.

He readied himself as he took a few tiny steps towards the slide, walking past the taller boy who had graciously made way for him. He was grateful for the taller boy's contribution to his journey.

Looking down from the top of the slide, everything felt different. It was so surreal — did this really happen? Did he really reach the top? He was in disbelief of what he had just done.

 As he stepped onto the slide, he turned to the taller boy and asked, "what did I accomplish?" 

He took a step towards the edge of the slide and jumped off.

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Lost in translation.

 Blurry lines.

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M.

 

and i tried to fake it but i'm not the greatest at that, no
i'll get creative and come up with ways to be happy (smiling)
and you could keep praying but nobody's safe from the end
not you, not me, not anyone.

and once in awhile you might see me smile and laugh
but i'm in denial or probably just high off my ass
i'll get creative and come with ways to ignore it
and you could keep praying but nobody's safe from the end.