i’m not suicidal.

“I wish I hadn’t cried so much!” said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. “I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.”

— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Chapter 2, The Pool of Tears

 

————————

Lower the drawbridge

and fill the moat with tears.

It’s the time again

to prepare for a war

that’s not coming.

It started with a good day —

a bright sunny sky

with a cool breeze

that made it awesome

for an outdoor stroll.

Checking one more time

in the mirror

before putting on

a great pair of kicks,

a flash of lightning

suddenly flashed.

Oh, how startling it was;

it triggered

a pang of sadness

and fear.

That’s where it began.

Call a guard up here

and get ready with the defences.

Take a pill and calm down;

but no, it’s too hard to swallow.

Don’t take a pill, 

get better instead.

The walls are all up now,

the dark clouds looming

will eventually go away.

Will they?

They may be here to stay instead

for good,

or for worse.

Out of all measures

taken to keep safe

up in the castle,

being locked up

means there is

no way out.

Close all the curtains,

no one should see those tears.

It is not brave to cry;

but it is also not healthy

stay cooped up.

Who’s saying that?

Who’s saying what?

There is no right or wrong

way to deal with this.

Only haunting voices

and the unrelenting pressure

to come out,

come out,

don’t hide anymore.

Face it,

deal with it.

Okay.

The curtain calls.

Open it up,

come back to reality.

There is no more escape.

There is no other way around it.

Get back on the window sill.

Look up

and move forward.

Splash.

Plop.

————

mr serotonin man, 

oh, won't you be a friend.

i've got a claw hand

and i just want this pain to end.

————————

 

M.

i don’t wanna fucking die

just wanna be able to close my eyes and feel alright

but every day i feel like dying.

why do i even try

why do i even write.