i don't wanna feel this much.

 

 

 

 Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.

— Steve Maraboli.

 

————————

 

 

 Here I am again.

Questioning my life, my choices, my reason for existence
once again and I don't have the answers. Do I even need answers at all?
All I could think of is how beautiful the view in front of me looked
and how I could fixate on being present in the moment.

Have I forgotten what it felt like?
Breathing in fresh air through my mask
as I try to take in deep breaths to calm myself down
and focus on living in the moment.

Why am I here again?

Have I forgotten the promises made?
Have I finally decided to let myself go
and leave me in a place so dark
I cannot pull myself out anymore?

I hope I don't let me ruin myself.
May my future be filled to the brim with hope and opportunities for growth.
Now why is there a hope for that at all?
Why am I lying to myself?

What exactly do I want out of this life?
A mere platform for existence
where all our choices as simple human beings
be made so complicated.

For what reasons do we make our life
so perplexing and cringe-y
and why is it so hard to grasp on to
the reality that we do not get to choose to be in
this life we didn't ask to be born into
only to be guided by our decisions and mistakes.

Why do I choose to make meaning
out of this whole episode?
One that I had full control over
one that I have contemplated over and over
and yet I chose to go through everything
the painful way.

Have I truly forgotten what sadness is?
Or have I transcended into surviving on pain and tears.

And yet, I will make the same choice
to go for this walk
down this path
back to this view again.

Here I am again.

Where do I go next?

And then,
What next?

 

 

 ————————

M.

you gave me too much pain
it does not feel the same
i don't wanna hurt this much.
it's nothin' but pain in the mornin' when i wake up
i can't even eat, can't sleep, just stay up.

cause i feel too much
then i feel it when we fall
i don't wanna feel too much
i don't wanna feel at all, feel at all.