Now I'm shaking, drinking all this coffee.

But nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it.

— Calla Quinn, All the Time.

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Giving moments or things personal names inevitably draws attachment to it.

Even the slightest thoughts of providing care or showing concern towards it creates an intangible bond. If those thoughts had never once occurred in the mind, perhaps the signs of affection would not have appeared at all. None of all that happening could have allowed for a peace of mind and no painful feelings of loss.

Yet, the heart likes to go soft; and the mind likes to corner itself in such situations.

Emotions are a hard game to play. In each turn, a card has to be thrown out regardless of what the situation could offer next. After which, the next card has to be drawn and added back into the stack of cards on hand. Once the draw pile is about to be finished, more cards are shuffled back inside and the game just continues as per normal. Perhaps with each round, the style of playing cards changes with slight improvisation. Nonetheless, the game play remains the same — written in black and white on yet another card that sits on its own away from the draw pile for easy reference. Deviations from the original way of playing may get tricky as everyone might eventually forget the rules of playing and turn it into an unorganised manner of play. One day, maybe, someone playing the game might get fed up or tired, and throw away their cards they are holding in fury or flip the cards that have been played or burn the entire deck of cards in hope of not feeling so much pain when playing the infinite game of emotions. The only one left holding the cards in melancholy is the one with the loyalty card. The game still has to go on, no matter what. No one makes it out of the game alive.

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Holding on may be more painful than letting go, but sometimes letting go is not the answer. Some say that coming to acceptance is the way to resolve it, and maybe coming to terms with it through making some sort of meaning out of it and convincing oneself that there is a moral of the story to learn and things can only get better from there. Some say looking forward is the way to overcome it, and maybe finding things to look forward in the future can put aside the pain that lingers on from the past. Set short-term goals, long-term goals. Find something to anticipate so each day doesn't feel so long. Count down to the day where every thing will make sense once again. The process might feel like waiting for a miracle, but who knows what miracles truly are? Hold on to hope, not the memories. It was easier to be heard that said. It was easier to be believed than actually done. Leave the burdens behind for another day. Come back for it another time. It will never run away. It will always be on your mind. It will always be in your heart.

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M.

These last few weeks have been exhausting

I'm lost in my imagination.

I'm trying to realise

It's alright to not be fine on your own.