All I do is sit and drink without you.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

— Lewis B. Smedes.

————————

Dear Girl and Boy,

I remember when I first watched you from afar at the playground. Too afraid to come near, I have always been grateful for the day you brought me into your life.

That very day, both of you were playing blocks in the sandpit. Taking turns to come up with the best way to stack those blocks under the shade of the slide instead of getting yourselves sweaty from running around and climbing the monkey bars, I admired from a distance the way Boy looked at Girl. Girl was the world and it was obvious Boy would do anything to make Girl happy.

This included putting aside the block-building for a moment to approach me, as I timidly hid behind a small shrub away from the sandpit. To be honest, I still do not dare to step into the sandpit because it is an area of unknown dangers for me.

Boy did not hesitate, as he was curious and always wanted to learn more. He was the first to suggest that I was worth interacting with. To my surprise, Girl immediately took charge and insisted on showing me care. It all happened so quickly for me, as it had happened for both of you.

In no time, I became a part of your lives as you brought me home to a comfortable duplex which had plenty of room for three or more. I was immediately allocated a room to reside in, filled with colourful play mats and a huge variety of plushies that made me feel so happy.

Over the span of time spent together under the same roof, both of you had dedicated time to tame my tempers, nurture my curiousity with knowledge, and encourage me to be more aware of my surroundings rather than to regress into the life I used to lead while I was still astray.

Not too long after I began to place complete trust into the both of you, I began to be treated differently as the four walls in my designated room started to feel a little claustrophobic.

It was sad for me to feel as though I was trapped in a house which I could not leave to explore the outside. It was sad for me to feel as though I was around for you to use as a social experiment. It was upsetting to feel like I was treated as a pet whom you could control and teach tricks. It was disappointing to eventually realise that I served a purpose of feeding to your egocentrism in your every-day lives.

Through thick and thin, both of you have always continuously showed me the meaning of love. As I watched Boy unconditionally give in to Girl, I observed the reciprocation from Girl in her heartfelt dinners that she cooked for Boy. As I often saw Boy make humourous jokes to entertain Girl just so that he could see her smile, Girl's forms of affection and loyalty to Boy remained admirable to me.

Despite all that, perhaps the house was filled with so much love that it could not accommodate me anymore. Or maybe under your gentle care, I had grown out of my previous state where I needed "fixing", and did not require your scrutinised protection anymore.

It is so easy to say that things have changed — how it is all on me, not the both of you; but I will skip that because it is not true. The 'me' today is no longer who I was before, but I hold on to all the memories that 'me' then had experienced and grown out of.

There are times where I do not know if I should consider letting my grudges go, in order to prevent my implosive nature from doing something impulsive; or if I should keep them around, to forgive and not forget. Either way, it is too painful to live like this.

That is why I am making my move now. After all the years of care, ever since our first encounter at the playground, I have made my decision to move on.

I will always be grateful for both of you teaching me how to love, and I wish you the best. 

 Maybe I might stick around, but it is now my time to embark on a new journey on my own.

Love,

Cat whom you named Butterfly.

————————

M.

If I choose then I lose

Distract my brain from the terrible news

It's not living if it's not with you.