keep quiet.

"Well, what happens if you fall in love?
It's love, not santa claus."

- Tom, (500) Days of Summer.

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5 years ago, when I was 17, I watched (500) Days of Summer. Back then, I loved the show because of my favourite actor, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I loved the idea of how reality could be. Back at that point in time, I was a nerd, I was new to the whole concept of love.

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"This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront:
This is not a love story."

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I never believed in love. I hated the idea of how two people can perfectly fit into each other's lives so effortlessly in all the disney movies and romance films. I stopped watching them completely. I turned to watching thought-provoking shows about love, but had no definite answers to all the questions I asked.

Have you watched them before - 500 Days of Summer, Mr Nobody, Butterfly Effect, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind?


It was until I watched them with you that sparked realisation that I didn't need films to show me what love is.


I need someone who can sit next to me and watch all the films I love over and over again. I need someone who can laugh with me when I randomly quote lines from the films we've watched together. Like, when we're out in Toys R Us and I'm quoting Legolas upon seeing bow and arrows toy.

I need someone who can have intense conversations and debates with me, knowing that ultimately I just want to prove my own thoughts right and arguing is my passion. I need someone who will willingly share his side of the argument in a well thought-out way. I would love drawing a huge mind map with all the issues I wanna debate about so we can have never ending branches, and never ending conversations.

I need someone who can understand my laziness, where I sometimes choose to stay in and watch shows instead of heading out on an adventure. I need someone to know that it is a need, not a want. I need to be lazy. (?!)

I need someone who could fulfill my secret fairytale fantasy, where I'm Ariel and you're Eric, and you're gonna fall in love with me even if I don't say anything to you. I need someone who can make my life become a real fairytale. I need someone to reassure me that it's okay for me to have my girl moments of wanting to be a princess.

I need someone who would sit down with me and talk to me about happy times and sad times. I need someone who can emphatise and not just preach their ideologies to me. I need someone who would share their thoughts with me while I sit silently, trying to understand everything that is going on to the best of my abilities. I need someone to do that exact same thing for me, when I'm going on and on about my endless thoughts, regardless of whether or not they are depressing or on the extreme high.

I need you to love the inner nerd in me, where I like writing long posts like this. I need you to love how horrible I look when I'm wearing spectacles and typing rapidly and massively on this poor macbook of mine. I need someone who can stop me when I'm tired, even if I am in deep concentration and it is practically impossible to pry me from whatever I'm doing.

I need someone who can understand that I can choose not to believe in love, but I can still spend endless amount of time with you where we both equally enjoy each other's company. I need someone to know that I don't need a happy pill. I need someone who agrees that "happy pill" is an overrated term and that I would never ever want to use that on him. I need not take my anti-depressants as long as he is willing to be my anti-depressant and keep me sane every single day.

I need someone who understands that it's inevitable that I feel sorry for him because he has to put up with so many of my needs. I need someone who noticed that I used "need" instead of "want" for this section of the post. I need someone who doesn't even need me to type that to already realise that.

I need someone who understands that I'm needy in this sense. I need someone who is as needy as I am. I need someone who can convince me that maybe I don't need all these needs and wants in my life.


I don't need a mind reader. I don't need a person who scrutinises my every behaviour. I don't need someone who can finish off every sentence of mine. I don't need someone who can predict what I'm about to say next, because you already know it, don't you. :)




I need you.
Because you're all of that,
because you're all I need.

Is this too much to ask for?


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"I love you" is just a term;
a phrase anyone can use.

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Don't blame me if I tell you that I still don't believe in love;
and when I say I love you, I mean it.

I believe in being happy;

it may be short-term hedonic for now,

but anticipation of lasting happiness

is keeping me sane,

with a smile on my face

that can't ever be wiped off.

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M.

nothing comes as easy as you.